a new leaf

2004-05-27T00:12:00.000+01:00

Back to the old house.

Right, that’s it, I’m going back to the other place. I’m going to have to get used to the fact that people who know me read my ramblings. It finally dawned on me that it was as if I was being bullied, and there’s no fucking way I’m going to put up with that.

To celebrate my return I want to go on tour. I have already had two offers to guest blog, and I need three or four more. Your rules, my words….. waddya say ?

2004-05-25T02:28:00.000+01:00

Parsimony is no excuse.

I can’t blame my lack of posts on anything but a crippling apathy. Leaving the other place is pissing me off more and more. I can’t seem to get going here, and I don’t know why.

I fancy becoming a roaming guest blogger, a kind of Pikey of the blogging world, turning up here and there with an occasional rant or waffle. Anyone up for it ?

So, I haven’t posted for over a week. Here is the condensed version of the last seven days.

Requested an extension on my TMA.
Sold stuff on ebay.
Looked at new cars.
Worked a bit.
Submitted a VAT return (Fucking nightmare).
Submitted TMA (Fucking nightmare).
Bought stuff on ebay.
Curry darts and vodka.
Watched Weather report (Kevin Spacey).
Road tested an Audi TT 225 Quattro.

I wouldn’t expect too much to be written here for the foreseeable, not until I get my brain re-aligned with the cosmos.

2004-05-16T20:30:00.000+01:00

Busy Bee !

My head has been too full of the important stuff to put any thought into a post.

I've had a TMA to submit, and I'm struggling on energy flows through eco systems. It's amazing how many Oak leaves it takes to raise one Sparrowhawk chick.

Shutting the shop down was more complex than I thought it would be. Fucking red tape, blue tape would never be this bad.

I have some great photo's of the bridge work going on outside our house. I'll put them up when I get a spare minute, but it's work in the morning so an early night for me tonight.

One last question - Apple Paltrow ? What were they thinking ?

2004-05-09T00:53:00.000+01:00

You know you’re getting old when:

1. Your thumbs hurt after eating a bag of Pistachio nuts.
2. You don’t borrow your mate’s porn videos, you borrow his power tools.
3. You drink pints of vodka and orange, ‘cos you can’t be arsed going to the fridge more than three times a night.
4. You remember when Rodney Marsh wasn’t a complete twat.

Speaking of football, a lot of things were decided today, not least of which was Raith Rovers securing their first division future. What the fuck are you on about I hear you shout, well. A few years ago I heard about a pundit who uttered the immortal words “They’ll be dancing in the streets of Raith tonight”. I bet the streets of Raith will be fucking bouncing tonight.

Whilst we were at the Taxdodger’s place his girlfriend told us about a couple they know. Said couple are expecting the arrival of their first born any day now, they have a grand plan for the nursery, oh yes ! They plan to paint it Burberry. Far be it from me to cast aspersions on their aesthetic choices, but they should be shot. There are plenty of childless couples that wouldn’t inflict that kind of terror on a child. Fuck me; it’s enough to give you nightmares.

I have just watched an evening of Monkey Dust on BBC3. It’s very dark and very funny. It reminds me of Jam, but maybe not quite as disturbing.

2004-05-07T23:20:00.000+01:00

This is the voice of the Mysterons !

We are in the middle of organising the taxdodger's 21st birthday party. I have constructed a little mini site to go with the invites that will be posted out soon. You can have a sneak preview of the site here, but please be aware that although it says that the taxdodger would like you to help him celebrate, this is not actually an invitation. You do need a ticket to get in.

Looking back at the photos it doesn’t seem like nearly 21 years. If I could give a piece of advise to anyone with children reading this, it would be; take plenty of photos, keep mementoes. You may not be nostalgic now, but in years to come you’ll have a brilliant time looking back.

Did I hear right ? Have the government given Captain Scarlet a job ? Does that mean the Mysterons are coming ? Maybe the Mysterons have nicked all the WMD from Saddam.

I had a brain-wave….. I know, they are few and far between. Now I have broadband, instead of downloading songs in mp3 format, I can download song videos in mpeg format. Genius ! Although now I may have to get a new hard drive, as the space on mine rapidly diminished. I do have some really fucking ace videos though.

2004-05-06T04:44:00.000+01:00

Weekend away.

I didn’t make much of a mess at the Taxdodger's place, a few crumbs from a sandwich and the odd beer bottle. It’s a really nice flat above a bar right in the centre of town; it was a bit of information overload for us country types. The Italian meal was very nice, and we didn’t pay for it, which was a bonus.

On the way home we stopped at the Trafford centre to have a mooch about. We obviously went in Selfridges to get some nice food. They don’t sell bread anymore, how crap is that. They did have a small bottle of Vodka with an edible Scorpion in the bottom, and a small packet of Tea hand picked by specially trained Monkeys ! No I’m not joking, it’s true, hence the 13 quid price tag. Tracy got a picture with her phone, as soon as I upload it I’ll put it up for you to see.

We had planned to have lunch at The Village Manor in Uppermill, but when we got there it had been knocked down ! Tracy remembered that it was ten years to the day since we got our little Chinchilla from the Uppermill animal jamboree. We’ll have to get her a birthday card.

I wonder what happened to The Village Manor !

2004-04-30T23:30:00.000+01:00

Strange days indeed.

It has felt very odd since Tracy closed her little empire. We have found ourselves at a loose end. Today was ok; it’s our anniversary so we just chilled out.

On Sunday we go and visit the taxdodger, it will be the first time we have stayed at his and his girlfriend’s house. I’m going to drink all his beer and make a mess. They are taking us out for our anniversary, I fancy an Italian because there aren’t any good ones within a forty-mile radius of our house.

Every couple of years I get bored with the car I’m driving and start to think about changing it. I bought my present car in April 01. I have found myself looking at cars in garages and in the papers. I think it’s that time again. Hmm what should I get ? This looks nice !

2004-04-28T16:14:00.000+01:00

Bigmouth strikes again.

I have just heard the new Morrissey single. He’s still got it after all these years, although the video makes him look like he’s going through an Elvis phase. The lyrics are as sharp as ever, and his band belt out a real modern sound. Excellent stuff.

The shop has shut down. After eighteen months we decided that we could no longer carry on. The new development of the town centre has seen a lot of closures, which resulted in a drastic fall-off in numbers coming in to the town. I think Tracy made the right decision, however difficult after so much hard work. It was the sensible thing to do, but after eighteen months of giving something your heart and soul it’s difficult to be objective. The landlord gave us a schedule of dilapidation, in plain English it’s a bit of paper that tells us exactly how the premises should be left. The cheeky bastards wanted us to leave in a better condition than we found it in. We spent all Sunday, with Nick’s help, cleaning and moving stuff. Tracy handed the keys back on Monday and that’s that ! No more Lock & Load.

One of the reasons I moved to this blog was to regain some semblance of anonymity, and it was just in time. Someone at work has discovered the other place, and now everyone is reading it. I don’t know quite how to feel about this. I didn’t say anything bad about anyone, and I didn’t name any names, but……

I suppose it removes any ideas I had about going back, I’m here to stay for the foreseeable future.

2004-04-21T19:21:00.000+01:00

Let’s burn Alfie !

A ten-year-old kid gets burned imitating a Jackass stunt. His mother calls for the program to be banned.

As a parent I have a couple of questions.

1. Why the fuck would you allow a ten-year-old to watch a program that is broadcast after ten thirty at night ?
2. Where the fuck were the boys parents while he was contriving to burn himself to death ?

There is a wider issue bothering me here, that of censorship. I really thought we had left the knee-jerk reactionism behind. When Mary Whitehouse shuffled off this mortal coil I thought we had heard the last of “Disgusted from Chigwell”. Why do people fall back to the blame culture when in reality they should be looking to themselves ?

Parenting is fucking hard at times, and you get things wrong. When the taxdodger was younger he managed to drink three quarters of a bottle of Calpol. When we got back from the hospital, during which time Tracy got covered in his vomit, we didn’t call a fucking press conference to insist that the offending medicine be banned. No ! We learned from our mistake and made damned sure it didn’t happen again.

So, lets not ban crap TV shows, let’s ban crap parents. If any program would make me want to burn myself alive it would be fucking Eastenders, not Jackass !

2004-04-19T17:55:00.000+01:00

Chavs.

I've added a new section on your left, a Burberry spotting section. It contains a list of all the Burberry accesories I have seen hanging from, or attached to, your avarage chav. You can add yours if you wish, just put them in the comment box and I'll add them to the list.

2004-04-13T19:49:00.000+01:00

Images.

Today’s news has left me with some awful images, including dying seals and dead soldiers. But Becks in a sky blue suit ? Someone’s taking the piss.

The images of the seal dying were really upsetting, and the excuse ? Fish stocks. Apparently the seals eat loads of cod and the fishermen are complaining. So fucking what ? We can eat other things; I don’t think your average seal would be too chuffed if you made it eat pie and chips. Leave them alone you evil twats. I have absolutely no problem with killing animals, if you are going to eat them. Hunting for fun, and hunting to make it easier to make money is just wrong.

Dying soldiers. Over 70 dead American soldiers since April first. I have sympathy with their families, but they joined up, they weren’t press-ganged. They died because the man that controls the army was looking after the finances of his daddies drinking buddies. If there was ever a need to remove someone from power, I think Saddam was way down the list.

David Beckham wearing a sky blue suit ! What can I say ? I’m sure he’s making a deeply ironic statement.

2004-04-09T21:56:00.000+01:00

Apostrophies

I'm seeing if the little bit of code that miles just gave me let's me use the little fuckers. They've been absent since this place started, and I felt naked.

2004-04-09T21:33:00.000+01:00

Micro machines ?

Ive started reading new scientist to help me with my OU studies, today I wrote an essay about convergent plate boundaries and how they are synonymous with volcanoes and earthquakes. Anyway, last week there was an article about nano technology. It was interesting and a little scary, the general idea is that tiny machines can be manufactured that are billionths of an inch in length, hence the name nano. The commercial applications for these tiny robots are mind blowing, and my first thought was - how will the multi-nationals milk this one -. Anyway, coincidentally Tracy was reading the new Michael Crighton book Prey, and when she finished it I read it. It is a very good read, definitely a single sitting book, I couldnt put it down. It was a cautionary tale about nano technology, and one that has left me with a bad feeling.

I have dropped the pseudonym, if people are really interested in finding me a stupid name wont put them off. SAM is actually my initials. Hopefully the ones I am avoiding will just think I quit and leave it at that. You cant account for people who mooch about searching for things. As Homer said, - thou shalt not allow moochers in thy hut -. Very true !

2004-04-05T20:05:00.000+01:00

Greatest hits ?

Atomic kitten have released a greatest hits album. Every fucking song on the advert was written by someone else. This must be an offence under several laws, not least of which the lying bastard act 1904. I dont know how they sleep at night. Yeah I do, all the fucking money they fleece off their easily pleased fans can buy a pretty comfy bed.

My msn list has grown fatter, which is cool but I find I have little time to chat, typical eh ?

My hand brake cable snapped ! No problem I thought, theyre cheap enough, Ill phone Halfords and get a price. One hundred and eighty fuckin quid ! Apparently the thing is special. I wonder if it will drive the car for me, or make me a cuppa, for one hundred and eighty quid it better had be fucking special.

2004-04-01T21:22:00.000+01:00

Things.

Things have been pissing me off recently.

First, having to give up the other place pissed me off greatly, I feel like two years worth of me has been left somewhere, lost. Im starting again and really fighting the desire to just go back and carry on. I know if I do, in a few days I will regret it. Fuck ! Im not usually this undecided. I dont like it.

Second, our MD has been caught speeding, 103 miles per hour in a 60 zone. This is a bloke who preaches from the health and safety manual every fucking day. But thats not the bit that pissed me off so much. If you or me got caught so far over the speed limit we would expect to get banned ? I would. He opted to pay a higher fine and keep his license. Fucking two-tier judicial system.

One more, this blog wont allow me to use apostrophes. It needs to be trained I suppose. It is new and does not know that I prefer to write as I speak. It will fucking learn, or it will rue the fucking day.

2004-03-29T23:24:00.000+01:00

Mental aerobics.

Gridlock.

The crimson room.

With thanks to the taxdodger.

2004-03-29T18:45:00.000+01:00

A new leaf.

A turning over has been made, things had to change for various reasons I wont go into. Suffice it to say that personal information will be scant. This is a place for my ideas to evolve, for some interaction and to generate some thought. Hence the strap line - the contemplation engine.

Items for discussion will include, but not be limited to, the following:

Why some people think Burberry is nice.
What makes one a raconteur.
Why Blairs government are a bunch of right wing fuck heads.
Why a Greggs sausage roll is not a suitable breakfast for a two-year-old.
What does the church offer young people in Britain.
Why do Pringles taste so nice.

Until I feel comfortable here, there will be no contact information. If you have something to say, wack it in the comments box under this and subsequent posts.

Finally, RIP Peter Ustinov. If there was one person in this world who I would have loved to have met, it was him.